Fucking a people.  Not that anyone reads this blog but still. Shit. This sucks, you know? I feel like I’m losing it really.  I can’t believe I get more respecet in a god damned fast food restaurant than i did in the military. And I get home and it’s like.. shit, I might as well not work at all. My Husband thinks My job isn’t hard. Like it doesn’t matter. I bust my ass every day, trying to be great at my job, even if it is shitty minimum wage ad I can’t even make $1000 a month.  I want a job witgh real money, maybe like 8 bucks an hour? maybe? fuck.  My head hurts and my fet feel like they are fallibng off

God damned stupif tacos too. Some people want the most idiotic shit.  “Uh.. can I have a soft taco, no meat or lettuce” what the fuck. a tortilla and some shredded cheese, really?

Or get this one.  “I want 5 taco supremes with no Tomato or sour cream”

HA HA HA. Let me give you a hint, If you go to Taco Bell “supreme” means it adds Sour Cream and tomato. that’s it

fucking hilarious Right?

Someone ordered a Volcano Taco with no lava sauce.  that’s a regular taco with a Red Shell. the Red shell tastes exactly like the regular shell.  the difference? FOOD COLORING!!!!  but if they wanna play  the extra, that’s on them.

Actually they came up with something cool to order today too

i had to try one my self

Double decker Taco add nopacho cheese to the soft tortiall on the outside, then a Volcano Taco supreme on the inside

It was bomb

so I guess the customers aren’t all that bad

I learned some drive through stuff today too.   IT was okay.  There was some epically awesomely sexy ass guys in the drive thru too.  Eye candy is win

So I guess it’s not that bad.. but god it’s crazy how stupid some people are, you know?

I was jumping on to post a blog about something, and I decided to check my subscribers.. and

Robby was my most Recent

Robby who we just lost to a tragic car accident

Robby Who I loved, but hurt so badly

Robby Whose heart I broke to a million pieces and never apologized

I love you Robby. I did then and I do now

I’m so So sorry.. Please forgive me
Please….

I wrote this in response to a friend’s bulletin, I won’t say who.. but I thought I would post it here as well.. just.. to get it off my chest, in a way…

I cant say i know exactly what it feels like to be you.. because no one does, really.. but I know what place of fake smiles and lies… Paint on the mask and realize you’re both happy and angry it works.. because no one really sees you.. they just see the pretend and the make believe.. they don’t want to think something is wrong because that might disrupt their perfect little lives

I agree with you.. get the HELL out of there and start over, because you won’t be able to breathe again until you do.

But I should warn you.. every now and then, that suffocating feeling will come back.

I’m fucking married.. and I love Eric to death and still i almost messed it up.. remember?

Because the little things come back after you, even when you think they’re gone

I’m not going to tell you everything is going to be alright or “it’s not that bad” or any of the other lines of bullshit everyone else will feed you.  it IS that bad and the walls get closer every day.

But ti does get better.. easier.. more free.. once you get away from all the Fakes.

When you escape that hell, be honest with yourself and everyone else.  Be an asshole if you have to.. because trying to please people put’s you right back into that suffocating mask all over again.

I know that’s not a good place to be.

Keep your head above water just a little longer and I know you’ll make it out alive.

And when you leave, it might hurt, but sever all ties with the fakes.

Trying to maintain even minimal contact will tear you apart. If they hurt you now, they;’ll hurt you from a distance too.

Don’t accept the bullshit and the lies and the games people play.

I’m behind you, my prayers are with you, and i really really hope that you escape with yourself “in tact”.

I still break down crying in the shower, pounding on the walls and wishing it would all just stop hurting so much. but it’s not so often anymore.. and I recover and move on

You can do the same.

Hang in there, and give em hell

These Are Lyrics for Songs I wrote, I’m hoping to find a band to play with so I can finish the writing process… *sigh*

The First One Is Called BLIND. I wrote it for a close friend whose Lovelife i watch in a roller-coaster constantly.  She seems to have given up hope, or acts less hurt than she is.. so I wrote this, having lived on that roller coaster quite some time myself, to help her understand

BLIND

Don’t you see it?

Broken apart before you

Battle scars that show through

Beat away the losses

We’re all just Lost causes

You must be blind

Are you Free Yet?

Life’s hanging from this tree

Fight what you cannot see

Truth’s too much to take

That smile is just too fake

You must be blind

And the people here

They belong here

And so do you

And you can’t escape

Until you join them

So don’t run away

Face the mirror and stay

Can’t you feel it?

Beating there inside you

Begging you for the truth

Stop feeding it all the lies

A false hopeless disguise

You must be blind

And the people here

They belong here

And so do you

And you can’t escape

Until you join them

So don’t run away

Face the mirror and stay

And the people here

They belong here

And so do you

And you can’t escape

Until you join them

So don’t run away

Face the mirror and stay

The Next One is called “The Other Side” and it has to do with the parts of ourselves we hide from the world.

THE OTHER SIDE

Far along the darkened hallway

Turn away, won’t see it coming

Lay the fog to hide the demons

Trust infects just like diseases

Let go, hold up, gasp for breath

Open up and cut the thread

Wear myself to give my freedom

Give a smile to all the seething

CHORUS:

Don’t… don’t cross the black line

Written here with blood and time

You don’t want the other side

You’ll be lost in the freezing fire

—-

Throw away the empty seasons

Beyond the doorway, selfish treason

Lock out the core and sacred beating

Put it back behind the curtain

Don’t, take away my darkness

Hold destroy me for the faultless

Trace this plane to broken dreams

Awaken to the nightmare’s screams

CHORUS

Race across the rising concrete

Laughing in the moonlight lonely

Smiling still despite the heathens

Despite this show of selfish breathing

Cross the line where horror finds way

Too far gone to keep at bay

Lock back up the broken secrets

Too late for this… I’m in Pieces

CHORUS (2x)

The third is called “Have Her” and I wrote it for my little sister.  She means the world to me, and it says… no matter how close friends they are with her, I’m her only blood sister.. and nothing can change that

HAVE HER

Fear falls silent still
Beyond the open doorway
Smiling there as though
She can read everything
And it doesn’t matter
And you can’t… have her

I lost my darkness here
In comes the light of day
She just seems to know
And make the spirit sing
The pain doesn’t matter
So glad to… have her

She holds the sweetest things
All the best hopes and dreams
Heart of gold and smiling soul
Lose what you can’t control

Down on that future road
That spirit cannot stray
She means the world, you know
For all the things it brings
Every day matters
Because I … have her

She holds the sweetest things
All the best hopes and dreams
Heart of gold and smiling soul
Lose what you can’t control

She holds the sweetest things
All the best hopes and dreams
Heart of gold and smiling soul
Lose what you can’t control

The Last Song is called “Choke”, and it’s written tot he people who say I’m lying and blame me and call me names for something very.. horrible that happened to me 3 and a half years ago.

CHOKE

Don’t try to tell me
What you know
This heart’s beating
Twice as slow
The lies you hear
Are not so false
I’ll shove this sorrow
Down your throat

Choke on what you don’t know
Fuck your ego, I’ll take control
Bled and Broken on the floor
Feel the pain devour you whole

I want to hear you
Screaming now
Dark and broken
All alone
Beg them to listen
Falls on deaf ears
I hope it chokes you
Eats your hope

Choke on what you don’t know
Fuck your ego, I’ll take control
Bled and Broken on the floor
Feel the pain devour you whole

Don’t try to tell them
What you know
I’ll laugh when it
Eats your soul
The world is spinning
Out of control
Selfish world leaves you
To die alone

Choke on what you don’t know
Fuck your ego, I’ll take control
Bled and Broken, on the floor
Feel the pain devour you whole

movies NEVER get this right.. so I’m going to tell you the real Phonetic Alphabet

Alpha
Bravo
Charlie
Delta
Echo
Foxtrot
Golf
Hotel
India
Juliet
Kilo
Lima
Mike
November
Oscar
Papa
Quebec
Romeo
Sierra
Tango
Uniform
Victor
Whiskey
X-ray
Yankee
Zulu

there you go, the Official Military Phonetic Alphabet
also, for radio clarity, the numbers are said as-so

Zero
One
Two
Tree
four
Five
six
seven
Eight
Niner

they say them one at a time, though, so 1,983,260 would be one niner eight tree two six zero

blogging from my cell phone today. i just have seen alot of stupidity lately. selfish ignorant people are everywhere and they try to bring you down. well guess what, assholes? this bitch dont play that game. i identify myself with the ‘emo’ group, you could say… but it seems that people misunderstand what its about. this is what wefre saying so pay attention. weve been through some really messed up things in our lives, and deal with problems every day. but we are NOT afraid to express openly our feelings. joyj happiness anger… we arent cowards who hold this stuff back. we tell people what we think, thus destroying their power over us. and we move on with our lives and learn from what we experience. we’re not ignorant suicidal losers who follow the crowd. we’re people who refuse to be fake. there are of course ‘fake’bemos out there, but arent there fakes everywhere? every social, political, work, whatever group has them. dont judge us based on idiotic arrogant ignorant stereotypes. ….

I cannot breathe.  I am happy and angry and sad and a thousand things all at once.  I’m happily married but … i can’t even go intpo everything.. if I try to explain it to anyone, my brain will explode. And I just have to vent because, i have too many emot

Hi to everyoone who reads my Blog!!!.. on… no one reads it.. hmmm

oh well, HI ME!!!

 

So Anyway, I had a blast at Sakuracon This year!! I have a few pictures to place here from the convention… yay!! check out my Group’s Photobucket for the rest, kay?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay then.  That’s just a choice few from the con. Want more??

The Cosplay FreakZ Official Photobucket Page

Now, Onto the new hobby!  I have decided to start Making Webcomics With Action Figures.  I Have made my first purchases towards this (at my husband’s financial dismay)  anyway… We are going o garage sales this weekend to look for things.  There are a couple people out there who have done the same thing.  Here are some Links to them

Side Quests: Final Fantasy and many others…

Kimono’s House: My Little Pony WebComic

Abe & Kroenen: Hellraiser WebComic

my friend Mello is getting surgery today!!!  She’s gonna go from being like this: oO to being like this OO  only… bigger!

*sigh* I’m worried about her.  surgery is scary.. it freaks even me out a little.  My prayers are with her.. I can’t wait to see the reults!

 

For now, byw bye.. that’s all I have to say.  *sigh*

okay,not tonight, but last night I was drink.  He playd Drunken games!! We Played Rock Band and it was quite funny watching people yell at various inanimate objects (ie the TV, the Xbox, the Guitar controller, the Drum controller, etc). 

Also, I made tacos… they were AWESOME cuz I know how to make them so they won’t fall apart everywhere.

After tha, we atched Mortal Kombat and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (the old school movie, not that new crap…)

We al had a blast.   People fell asleep in some pretty strange postions too.  thankfully, there wasn’t much of a mess this morning at all (we don’t invite obnoxious messy people over to our house…)  so that makes the whole thing a success.

 Now my husband and a couple friends are playing Rock Band again.  it’s pretty funny when they blame their equipement (though I also tend to do so when I am playing a game and losing…)

So anyway…. yeah… that’s all I can think fo writing for now.. so… love you all and bye bye!

work is sooooo boring todday… we are getting out early for a long weekend, but still *sigh*.  such is the way of life.  I have band practice on sunday, and I havent’ sung for awhile, so my voice needs some work, for sure.  Sakura-con is next weekend (YAY!) so that I have to look forward to, anyway. 

Mostly, I have nothing to actually say, but seeing as I felt an overwhelming urge to post, I’m going to post a conversation i had with my siser earlier today on Gaia online

sister me

RAWWWWWRRRR! ~flys in, attaches to head~ hehehehe

 eeeek! Bad potatoe! *throws you*
EEP! ^^
hee hee hee *huggles you*
silly
It’s all good…. *throws an invisible cat-fish of doom at your head*
AAAAHHHHH CATFISH!
YAY!! your distracted! *wields Swordfish and starts attacking you with it*
~throws cat on swordfish, which then starts eating it~ hehe the cats eating your weapon!
EEEEK!! *drops swordfish and get’s frozen sushi balls of freezing. “SUSHI DEATH@@@!!!!” *throws them at you*
~ducks~ HA! Missed me!
*pulls a lever, dropping half a ton of fresh Kelp on your head* yay!
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!!

Somebody sent this to my on Myspace Last year…. and that day I wrote a poem-response to it and posted it on my MySpace Blog.  Now I am posting it here…

Dear god, hope you get the letter and…
I pray you can make it better down here
I don’t mean a big reduction in the price of beer
But all the people that you made in your image
See them starving in the street
‘Cause they don’t get enough to eat from god
I can’t believe in you

Dear god, sorry to disturb you but…
I feel that I should be heard loud and clear
We all need a big reduction in amount of tears
And all the people that you made in your image
See them fighting in the street
‘Cause they can’t make opinions meet about god
I can’t believe in you

Did you make disease and the diamond blue?
Did you make mankind after we made you?
And the devil too!

Dear god don’t know if you noticed but…
Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book
And us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look
And all the people that you made in your image
still believing that junk is true
Well I know it ain’t, and so do you
Dear god
I can’t believe in
I don’t believe

I won’t believe in heaven or hell
No saints, no sinners, no devil as well
No pearly gates, no thorny crown
You’re always letting us humans down
The wars you bring, the babes you drown
Those lost at sea and never found
And it’s the same the whole world ’round
The hurt I see helps to compound
That father, son and holy ghost
Is just somebody’s unholy hoax
And if you’re up there you’ll perceive
That my heart’s here upon my sleeve
If there’s one thing I don’t believe in

It’s you
Dear god

TXC song ,, Dear God
have a good day
love
love
love
Farley

—————————————-

My Reply

You only see the surface
You dare not understand
The point is not perfection
The point is love in Man
The point is being Faithful
the point is being true
how would you feel if your whole life
everyone Questioned You?

It’s far beyond just what you see
Every person has their purpose
Humans have their own free will, though
And it’s humans here that hurt us

Sure, this world could be a place
Where all was ‘right’ and ‘good’
But then we could not have a choice
We’d just do as we should

There can not be happiness
without sorrow and fear
And Heaven itself is more than worth
Anything you might find here

So go on with your complaining
with your hate, your anger, your pain
But know that when you do this
You have nothing left to Gain

You choose to take the easy road
with it’s steady downward pace
go on and live your life that way
but life is not a race

I choose to take the broken road
for all it’s rocks and hills
It’s but a very small price to pay
For my soul to be fulfilled

I’ll take the pain along with joy
I’ll learn from all the tears
I’ll hold tight to the faith I know
and push away the fear

Dear God, I pray for your lost sheep
For those who’ve lost their way
I pray for those who have no faith
That they come to you someday

I pray they see the lessons
in the smiles of the poor
I pray they see a Child’s Faith
I pray they see that Door

How sad it is that they don’t see
your Love in all it’s ways
And so be with all your lost sheep
Forever, this I’ll pray.

-Kim Cooksey, 2007

(cooksey is my Maiden Name )

((I wrote this on Wednesday the 20^th of February))

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A lot has happened to me recently.  The other day I had … well.. one of the worst days of my entire life.  I was swamped with work the entire day.. and not just normal swamped, but “do this right now or you’ll be in deep trouble” kind of busy.  The kind of busy where you have three days of work and one day to do it.  Then I find out my friend died.  Nobody talked to us, pulled the office aside and explained what happened… NO, not at all.. because God Forbid someone shows some kind of courtesy.  Instead, someone comes in and says “hey, have you seen Masdonati’s SRB” and my Sgt goes “I think Gunny is looking for it” and this person replies “okay well, I was just wondering because I need it because I heard he was in a fatal vehicle accident last night…”  and he walks out of the office!

 

This is my Face O.O.  then *blink* *blink* I was in shock.  Did he just say what I THOUGHT he just said? And the WAY he said it!! SERIOUSLY!  I just about died.

 

All day long too, I had to hear the details.  I work in administration, so guess what office generates all the appropriate paperwork?  Right, Admin.  Plus, it seems like all anyone can do is look for ways to make sure his family gets nothing.  Okay… he was speeding and yes it was stupid, but the man just died… can be STOP the negativity for half a minute? Perhaps? Please?

 

Then, as I toil away at my lovely menial tasks, I take a break.. 10 minutes, to get online.  Then a certain corporal decides to yell at me “if you’re not doing anything help so-and-so blah blah blah” (I tuned him out).  People take smoke breaks, I don’t, so I could let my brain cool down for a minute every now and then.. you’d think, right?  Apparently not.  So anyway, ten minutes, Little-ol-me goes to get a ream of paper from the other side of the office and WHAT do I see?  The same Corporal who yelled at me is playing some nifty arcade game on the computer.  Nice. 

 

By the end of the day, I just wanted to cry… I was falling apart, mentally, anyway…Not literally, like my dearly departed friend whom I found out hit the support wire for the telephone pole at such a fast speed that he was severed in two but yeah, moving on….

 

I got home and the house was a mess.  I had planned on cleaning it but I didn’t feel up to it.  Instead, I went to band practice.  Most of the people couldn’t show (we’re all current or former military, and they all had duty or some family thing going on). So it was just me and Don, and I sang my guts out (and hurt my throat because I pushed too hard.. I was very upset) and from there I went and sang karaoke.  Okay,, because THAT’s smart when my throat already hurts…. I didn’t care.  Then I went home and ate too much junk food and went to sleep.  Or at least, I went to bed, I didn’t really sleep.

 

I’m going insane, really I am. Because no matter how much better I get at what I do, all that is pointed it is the negatives, like I’m some stupid trained monkey with only half a brain.  I’m losing my mind… crazy.. whatever you want to call it.  And two friends in two months? I’m still grieving for Robby!! God bless that boy.. he was a Cosplay Freak.. in the tight little club with me and my sis and her bestest best friend.  *sigh* someone shake the crap out of my reality please.. maybe if it breaks I can trade it in for a new one.

Not to mention, it wasn’t that long ago that I lost my Grandfather Arne.  And Grandpa Bob had his leg amputated (too many bypass surgeries.. he wouldn’t quit drinking…selfish selfish man).  My Husband’s great grandmother passed not that long ago either.  The beginning of December I believe… poor baby.  There’s too much death in my life.  My friend Jolene Died my Senior Year… My friend Ashley in 5^th Grade… My Step-Grandmother when I was around 12-14 (I don’t remember for sure).  And there is more and I don’t even want to go into ti.. but it’s suffocating me.

 

Have to say this too… THe Day I found out was the 14th.. VALENTINE’S DAY.. which I had to spend alone bcause my husband was working… all day and a night post… Marines… sigh… anyway.. I had this horrible day on what is supposed to be a special day and didn’t even have my man to comfort me….  Thank god for phones… 

 

Thank God for my husband, who loves me for all my faults, and always drags me out of my depression (sometimes kicking and screaming.. fighting back and leaving streaks of eyeliner on the floor).

 

So anyway, despite ALL of that, today was Chris Masdonati’s Memorial Service.  IT was great.. It really was, and I wrote something for him…

 

Before you read it though, I have to tell you it was estimated he was going approximately 70-90 MPH when he crashed his bike in a turn, flying off of it and literally getting sliced in half by a support cable from a telephone pole.  *sigh*

 

CHRIS…

 

I can’t believe it

Only the day before you asked me

“Am I out of this place yet?”

 

And it seems that…

Your wish was answered

But to those you left behind

It was a horrible disaster

 

It doesn’t seem fair

You were seen and then nowhere

And I watched you thrive before

When they meant for you to suffer

 

A joy ride, a sharp turn, a slide

Ensured that you’d no longer stride

Just chalk it up to foolish pride

And from us, speed takes another

 

Honestly, I’m angry

So Selfish and unthinking

Forgetting all those who are grieving

Why did you have to go so FAST?

 

And then I laugh

And I remember your smile

And how they said you were falling apart

And the surprise of.. well.. how right they were

 

And so I’m sad and angry and happy

And I don’t know what else to say

I just hope that you’re in heaven

Watching over us when we pray

 

I leave you, and the humor I know you had, with a final thought

For you DID run into some luck

You accomplished the impossible, and many people’s dream

You can be in two places at once…

 

-Kimberly Cooksey 2008

The road was dark, winding through the trees like it had something to hide.  Clouds obscured the half moon and most of the scars, yet moved at a steady pace across the sky. This caused the landscape to be cast in strange, eerie shadows, so surreal that they seemed living breathing things.

 

Vincent, however, was without worry.  Many times he had walked this desolate path, and arrived home safely half an hour later.  Criminals dare not venture out here, and animals had plenty of forest to themselves to bother coming near human habitations.  Ignoring the gloom and dark, heavy feeling of the night air, Vincent slipped on his worn wool trench-coat and began his walk home. 

 

The ground was damp, but not wet, a result of a morning rain followed by a warm but overcast day.  Vincent noticed that it was especially quiet tonight.  No crickets could be heard, no bullfrogs from the nearby creek.  Neither was there any traffic sounds in the distance.. though this wasn’t unusual for this road.  The place where Vincent worked wasn’t near town at all, and the town’s population itself couldn’t have been more than maybe 1,500 people.  The town itself wasn’t near any highly-trafficked thoroughfare, and so it was unlikely that someone would even get lost and wind up on this road.

 

The quiet tonight, though, was not due to the normal factors.. not due to the small town size or weather… no.  Tonight, the road was empty because somebody wished it that way.  Vincent was oblivious to the pair of eyes that watched him from the edge of the woods.  Of course, Vincent was oblivious to most everything anymore. He only knew his work, his home, and himself.  Little did he know what the watcher in the trees had planned for him, or how it would change his life.