((I wrote this on Wednesday the 20^th of February))

..:namespace prefix = o ns = “urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office” /> 

A lot has happened to me recently.  The other day I had … well.. one of the worst days of my entire life.  I was swamped with work the entire day.. and not just normal swamped, but “do this right now or you’ll be in deep trouble” kind of busy.  The kind of busy where you have three days of work and one day to do it.  Then I find out my friend died.  Nobody talked to us, pulled the office aside and explained what happened… NO, not at all.. because God Forbid someone shows some kind of courtesy.  Instead, someone comes in and says “hey, have you seen Masdonati’s SRB” and my Sgt goes “I think Gunny is looking for it” and this person replies “okay well, I was just wondering because I need it because I heard he was in a fatal vehicle accident last night…”  and he walks out of the office!

 

This is my Face O.O.  then *blink* *blink* I was in shock.  Did he just say what I THOUGHT he just said? And the WAY he said it!! SERIOUSLY!  I just about died.

 

All day long too, I had to hear the details.  I work in administration, so guess what office generates all the appropriate paperwork?  Right, Admin.  Plus, it seems like all anyone can do is look for ways to make sure his family gets nothing.  Okay… he was speeding and yes it was stupid, but the man just died… can be STOP the negativity for half a minute? Perhaps? Please?

 

Then, as I toil away at my lovely menial tasks, I take a break.. 10 minutes, to get online.  Then a certain corporal decides to yell at me “if you’re not doing anything help so-and-so blah blah blah” (I tuned him out).  People take smoke breaks, I don’t, so I could let my brain cool down for a minute every now and then.. you’d think, right?  Apparently not.  So anyway, ten minutes, Little-ol-me goes to get a ream of paper from the other side of the office and WHAT do I see?  The same Corporal who yelled at me is playing some nifty arcade game on the computer.  Nice. 

 

By the end of the day, I just wanted to cry… I was falling apart, mentally, anyway…Not literally, like my dearly departed friend whom I found out hit the support wire for the telephone pole at such a fast speed that he was severed in two but yeah, moving on….

 

I got home and the house was a mess.  I had planned on cleaning it but I didn’t feel up to it.  Instead, I went to band practice.  Most of the people couldn’t show (we’re all current or former military, and they all had duty or some family thing going on). So it was just me and Don, and I sang my guts out (and hurt my throat because I pushed too hard.. I was very upset) and from there I went and sang karaoke.  Okay,, because THAT’s smart when my throat already hurts…. I didn’t care.  Then I went home and ate too much junk food and went to sleep.  Or at least, I went to bed, I didn’t really sleep.

 

I’m going insane, really I am. Because no matter how much better I get at what I do, all that is pointed it is the negatives, like I’m some stupid trained monkey with only half a brain.  I’m losing my mind… crazy.. whatever you want to call it.  And two friends in two months? I’m still grieving for Robby!! God bless that boy.. he was a Cosplay Freak.. in the tight little club with me and my sis and her bestest best friend.  *sigh* someone shake the crap out of my reality please.. maybe if it breaks I can trade it in for a new one.

Not to mention, it wasn’t that long ago that I lost my Grandfather Arne.  And Grandpa Bob had his leg amputated (too many bypass surgeries.. he wouldn’t quit drinking…selfish selfish man).  My Husband’s great grandmother passed not that long ago either.  The beginning of December I believe… poor baby.  There’s too much death in my life.  My friend Jolene Died my Senior Year… My friend Ashley in 5^th Grade… My Step-Grandmother when I was around 12-14 (I don’t remember for sure).  And there is more and I don’t even want to go into ti.. but it’s suffocating me.

 

Have to say this too… THe Day I found out was the 14th.. VALENTINE’S DAY.. which I had to spend alone bcause my husband was working… all day and a night post… Marines… sigh… anyway.. I had this horrible day on what is supposed to be a special day and didn’t even have my man to comfort me….  Thank god for phones… 

 

Thank God for my husband, who loves me for all my faults, and always drags me out of my depression (sometimes kicking and screaming.. fighting back and leaving streaks of eyeliner on the floor).

 

So anyway, despite ALL of that, today was Chris Masdonati’s Memorial Service.  IT was great.. It really was, and I wrote something for him…

 

Before you read it though, I have to tell you it was estimated he was going approximately 70-90 MPH when he crashed his bike in a turn, flying off of it and literally getting sliced in half by a support cable from a telephone pole.  *sigh*

 

CHRIS…

 

I can’t believe it

Only the day before you asked me

“Am I out of this place yet?”

 

And it seems that…

Your wish was answered

But to those you left behind

It was a horrible disaster

 

It doesn’t seem fair

You were seen and then nowhere

And I watched you thrive before

When they meant for you to suffer

 

A joy ride, a sharp turn, a slide

Ensured that you’d no longer stride

Just chalk it up to foolish pride

And from us, speed takes another

 

Honestly, I’m angry

So Selfish and unthinking

Forgetting all those who are grieving

Why did you have to go so FAST?

 

And then I laugh

And I remember your smile

And how they said you were falling apart

And the surprise of.. well.. how right they were

 

And so I’m sad and angry and happy

And I don’t know what else to say

I just hope that you’re in heaven

Watching over us when we pray

 

I leave you, and the humor I know you had, with a final thought

For you DID run into some luck

You accomplished the impossible, and many people’s dream

You can be in two places at once…

 

-Kimberly Cooksey 2008