I was jumping on to post a blog about something, and I decided to check my subscribers.. and

Robby was my most Recent

Robby who we just lost to a tragic car accident

Robby Who I loved, but hurt so badly

Robby Whose heart I broke to a million pieces and never apologized

I love you Robby. I did then and I do now

I’m so So sorry.. Please forgive me
Please….

I wrote this in response to a friend’s bulletin, I won’t say who.. but I thought I would post it here as well.. just.. to get it off my chest, in a way…

I cant say i know exactly what it feels like to be you.. because no one does, really.. but I know what place of fake smiles and lies… Paint on the mask and realize you’re both happy and angry it works.. because no one really sees you.. they just see the pretend and the make believe.. they don’t want to think something is wrong because that might disrupt their perfect little lives

I agree with you.. get the HELL out of there and start over, because you won’t be able to breathe again until you do.

But I should warn you.. every now and then, that suffocating feeling will come back.

I’m fucking married.. and I love Eric to death and still i almost messed it up.. remember?

Because the little things come back after you, even when you think they’re gone

I’m not going to tell you everything is going to be alright or “it’s not that bad” or any of the other lines of bullshit everyone else will feed you.  it IS that bad and the walls get closer every day.

But ti does get better.. easier.. more free.. once you get away from all the Fakes.

When you escape that hell, be honest with yourself and everyone else.  Be an asshole if you have to.. because trying to please people put’s you right back into that suffocating mask all over again.

I know that’s not a good place to be.

Keep your head above water just a little longer and I know you’ll make it out alive.

And when you leave, it might hurt, but sever all ties with the fakes.

Trying to maintain even minimal contact will tear you apart. If they hurt you now, they;’ll hurt you from a distance too.

Don’t accept the bullshit and the lies and the games people play.

I’m behind you, my prayers are with you, and i really really hope that you escape with yourself “in tact”.

I still break down crying in the shower, pounding on the walls and wishing it would all just stop hurting so much. but it’s not so often anymore.. and I recover and move on

You can do the same.

Hang in there, and give em hell

These Are Lyrics for Songs I wrote, I’m hoping to find a band to play with so I can finish the writing process… *sigh*

The First One Is Called BLIND. I wrote it for a close friend whose Lovelife i watch in a roller-coaster constantly.  She seems to have given up hope, or acts less hurt than she is.. so I wrote this, having lived on that roller coaster quite some time myself, to help her understand

BLIND

Don’t you see it?

Broken apart before you

Battle scars that show through

Beat away the losses

We’re all just Lost causes

You must be blind

Are you Free Yet?

Life’s hanging from this tree

Fight what you cannot see

Truth’s too much to take

That smile is just too fake

You must be blind

And the people here

They belong here

And so do you

And you can’t escape

Until you join them

So don’t run away

Face the mirror and stay

Can’t you feel it?

Beating there inside you

Begging you for the truth

Stop feeding it all the lies

A false hopeless disguise

You must be blind

And the people here

They belong here

And so do you

And you can’t escape

Until you join them

So don’t run away

Face the mirror and stay

And the people here

They belong here

And so do you

And you can’t escape

Until you join them

So don’t run away

Face the mirror and stay

The Next One is called “The Other Side” and it has to do with the parts of ourselves we hide from the world.

THE OTHER SIDE

Far along the darkened hallway

Turn away, won’t see it coming

Lay the fog to hide the demons

Trust infects just like diseases

Let go, hold up, gasp for breath

Open up and cut the thread

Wear myself to give my freedom

Give a smile to all the seething

CHORUS:

Don’t… don’t cross the black line

Written here with blood and time

You don’t want the other side

You’ll be lost in the freezing fire

—-

Throw away the empty seasons

Beyond the doorway, selfish treason

Lock out the core and sacred beating

Put it back behind the curtain

Don’t, take away my darkness

Hold destroy me for the faultless

Trace this plane to broken dreams

Awaken to the nightmare’s screams

CHORUS

Race across the rising concrete

Laughing in the moonlight lonely

Smiling still despite the heathens

Despite this show of selfish breathing

Cross the line where horror finds way

Too far gone to keep at bay

Lock back up the broken secrets

Too late for this… I’m in Pieces

CHORUS (2x)

The third is called “Have Her” and I wrote it for my little sister.  She means the world to me, and it says… no matter how close friends they are with her, I’m her only blood sister.. and nothing can change that

HAVE HER

Fear falls silent still
Beyond the open doorway
Smiling there as though
She can read everything
And it doesn’t matter
And you can’t… have her

I lost my darkness here
In comes the light of day
She just seems to know
And make the spirit sing
The pain doesn’t matter
So glad to… have her

She holds the sweetest things
All the best hopes and dreams
Heart of gold and smiling soul
Lose what you can’t control

Down on that future road
That spirit cannot stray
She means the world, you know
For all the things it brings
Every day matters
Because I … have her

She holds the sweetest things
All the best hopes and dreams
Heart of gold and smiling soul
Lose what you can’t control

She holds the sweetest things
All the best hopes and dreams
Heart of gold and smiling soul
Lose what you can’t control

The Last Song is called “Choke”, and it’s written tot he people who say I’m lying and blame me and call me names for something very.. horrible that happened to me 3 and a half years ago.

CHOKE

Don’t try to tell me
What you know
This heart’s beating
Twice as slow
The lies you hear
Are not so false
I’ll shove this sorrow
Down your throat

Choke on what you don’t know
Fuck your ego, I’ll take control
Bled and Broken on the floor
Feel the pain devour you whole

I want to hear you
Screaming now
Dark and broken
All alone
Beg them to listen
Falls on deaf ears
I hope it chokes you
Eats your hope

Choke on what you don’t know
Fuck your ego, I’ll take control
Bled and Broken on the floor
Feel the pain devour you whole

Don’t try to tell them
What you know
I’ll laugh when it
Eats your soul
The world is spinning
Out of control
Selfish world leaves you
To die alone

Choke on what you don’t know
Fuck your ego, I’ll take control
Bled and Broken, on the floor
Feel the pain devour you whole

movies NEVER get this right.. so I’m going to tell you the real Phonetic Alphabet

Alpha
Bravo
Charlie
Delta
Echo
Foxtrot
Golf
Hotel
India
Juliet
Kilo
Lima
Mike
November
Oscar
Papa
Quebec
Romeo
Sierra
Tango
Uniform
Victor
Whiskey
X-ray
Yankee
Zulu

there you go, the Official Military Phonetic Alphabet
also, for radio clarity, the numbers are said as-so

Zero
One
Two
Tree
four
Five
six
seven
Eight
Niner

they say them one at a time, though, so 1,983,260 would be one niner eight tree two six zero

blogging from my cell phone today. i just have seen alot of stupidity lately. selfish ignorant people are everywhere and they try to bring you down. well guess what, assholes? this bitch dont play that game. i identify myself with the ‘emo’ group, you could say… but it seems that people misunderstand what its about. this is what wefre saying so pay attention. weve been through some really messed up things in our lives, and deal with problems every day. but we are NOT afraid to express openly our feelings. joyj happiness anger… we arent cowards who hold this stuff back. we tell people what we think, thus destroying their power over us. and we move on with our lives and learn from what we experience. we’re not ignorant suicidal losers who follow the crowd. we’re people who refuse to be fake. there are of course ‘fake’bemos out there, but arent there fakes everywhere? every social, political, work, whatever group has them. dont judge us based on idiotic arrogant ignorant stereotypes. ….